OffSHORE European News

Net Gains for French Fishermen

France’s fishing skippers have achieved a résultat à grande vitesse after forcing Britain’s Deputy PM John ‘Two Jags’ Prescott to make threatening phone calls to Paris. Faced with a brilliantly executed extra-parliamentary coup de théâtre, the French government caved in immediately. It has offered a discount deal as compensation for increased diesel prices.

But, worried about a party-donations backlash from the Road Haulage Association (nul points on its own diesel-price campaign), P&O Stena and the Channel Tunnel operators, Prescott may have acted hastily. British fishermen have been pretty ineffective in protecting their own industry. Now they’ve seen what can be achieved with a little wit and cunning, expect reports of the south coast fleet heading for England's main ferry ports.

OffSHORE World News

"World's Policeman" shuns war-crimes court

The United States has allied itself with those other distinguished members of the international community China, Libya and Iraq in opposing the establishment of a UN court to try war criminals.

The White House decision -- on the grounds that the US itself might be indicted over Grenada, Mogadishu and the bombing of Kosovo and Serbia -- is doubly hypocritical. Rather than be prepared to account for its own actions in court, America is willing to allow the butchers of Rwanda, East Timor and Sierra Leone to remain unpunished. And this from a country that uses FBI 'snatch squads' to uplift non-US citizens for trial in federal courts.

OffMSG Media Gatesgate

An embarrassing public row between some of the world's leading photo-journalists and a Bill Gates media company looks set to break out at the prestigious international photography festival in Perpignan on September 8.

Corbis, the company at the centre of the row, celebrated last year's Visa pour L'Image showcase by acquiring the legendary Paris-based photo-agency Sygma, with its stable of photographers and a library of pictures going back 20 years. This year, Corbis-Sygma is a co-sponsor of the French festival and had hoped to use the event as the launchpad for a drive to lure more top lensmen onto its books. More...

Gaul Families Association legal team takes on Keith Jessop. Jessop was the diver who salvaged the gold from the HMS Edinburgh. The move is seen as an attempt to force John Precott's hand on a manned dive, or to obtain private funding for the operation.

Read the letter here (5 Sep 00).

Richard Branson's "People Slottery" bid is in crisis after it was discovered that his company didn't know how to lay off a bet.

The problem was exposed in an Observer article which pointed out that some 40,000 British lottery punters believe that the numbers 7 14 21 28 35 and 42 are more likely to come up than any six numbers chosen at random. (If you are in doubt, they are not.) But Branson's promise of a £1m payout means he would have to put his hand in his pocket for £40bn -- which even he hasn't got.

Anyone who knew anything about gambling (and that obviously excludes Branson and Observer journalists) would know about the time-honoured solution. All he has to do is pick up the phone, call Ladbrokes, and ask for the odds against 7 14 21 28 35 and 42 coming up. (They will probably be even longer than those being quoted for Elvis being found on the moon.) Then work out the stake needed to yield £40bn; the problem is solved and the lottery is yours, Sir Richard.

For more free advice on making a lottery bid, contact OffMSG's Lot-Line: 08978 342 675. (Calls cost £49.95/min and last at least one hour.)

1. Dr Harold Shipman (World's All-Time No 1 Serial Killer, and British to boot)…	A …is an absolute disgrace to the medical profession. B …should be released immediately and put in charge of reducing hospital waiting lists.
2. Look-alikes.	A 'A' was Superman, 'B' wants to be Superman. B 'A' wants to re-build himself, 'B' wants to re-invent himself. C 'A' is disabled from the neck down, whereas 'B'...
3. Soccer ticket touts are…	A …unscrupulous criminals. B …much-maligned examples of aggressive entrepreneurship and the 'Third Way'.
4. The TV sitcom ‘Friends’…	A …is a perceptive insight into American culture. B …has me rolling over the floor laughing. C …is a waste of perfectly good air time which would be better filled with more repeats of the minimalist, but intellectually-superior 'Beavis & Butthead'.
5. The British Royal Family…	A …couldn’t spell ‘dysfunctional’ if it tried. B …should move into the Millennium Dome where it is unlikely to be disturbed. C …can’t answer back (much).
6. Medical training is unnecessary for psychiatrists, according to…	A …Woody Allen. B …Sigmund Freud. C …Eric Hargreaves.	Dr Harold Shipman
7. Eric Hargreaves is…	A …the long-lost illegitimate son of Sigmund Freud. B …the manager of our local Thresher’s. C …someone we just made up.
8. David Beckham and Posh Spice…	A …will get 'junk' peerages in the next Honour's List, making them 'Lord Becks' and 'Very Posh Spice'. B …are Tony Blair and Alisdair Campbell's favourite intellectuals (next to the Queen Mother). C …are still wondering where the baby came from.
9. Mobile phones can be made safer…	A …by being soaked in a bucket of slightly soapy water overnight. B ...if your stick the end of the antenna in your ear. C ...if you leave it on the train.
10. The UK National Lottery...	A …is the most successful form of voluntary taxation ever (cut out the Richard Branson, send your money direct to Gordon Brown). B …proves just how likely you are to get the human form of Mad Cow Disease. (Ten times more likely than winning the Jackpot, in fact.) C …is really controlled from the back of Mr Singh's neighbourhood convenience store.